Last Saturday, a gorgeous and vibrant woman took her own life after a long battle with depression and on that same day in Western Sydney some 70km’s away, an inspiring little boy, who touched the hearts of so many also passed away.
Two lives cut short on the same day, two lives that couldn’t be more opposite. One a T.V personality, outspoken, a model and a regular on Sydney’s social scene and the other a gorgeous little boy, brave, courageous, inspiring and severely disabled after a near fatal drowning six years ago.
So why are these two ‘tragedy’s so connected for me?
Why? Well because I live a life that could be turned upside down by either one of these situations at anytime.
Overcoming my fear is something I have been working on for the past 10 years. My fears became so strong they may have controlled me. It all came about when my first child Billy was born with several abnormalities but no diagnosis or prognosis. Billy’s disabilities did not come under a syndrome but were individual issues that just happened. I knew we had almost lost Billy during his birth, and for those first five months of his life, I spent my time caring for Billy in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit at the Children’s Hospital, and cried all the time, fearful I would be planning his funeral in the near future.
Once I took Billy home, we settled in to daily life which consisted of doctors appointments, therapy, hospital stays and overwhelm
ing fear of the future. Thoughts of losing Billy started to fade and new fears crept in. Would he walk, talk, have friends, go to a mainstream school? It was totally consuming me and I was so sad.
Then in 2010, the year before Billy was due to start at a special school, the universe changed me forever. It was a Monday in May when Billy woke around 2am and started vomiting. As the day went on, Billy seemed to get worse and wouldn’t drink or eat. That night I took him to the Children’s Hospital on my gut instinct that something just wasn’t right. The hospital examined Billy and assured me the symptoms he was showing and the scans that were done cleared him of any cause for concern relating to the shunt in his brain to drain fluid. We were sent home, however two days later I was back as my baby boy was still very sick. We were admitted for dehydration, thank god because the next day as I held Billy in the ward, his heart stopped. The next five minutes were surreal. I stood in complete shock as doctors used a defibrillator and brought my boy back to life.
We soon found out Billy’s hydrocephalus could be fatal within approximately two hours and would not show any of the usual symp
toms. I felt powerless and oh so responsible to be able to see the invisible. I feared I would miss something. Billy’s shunt did block three more times that year and I picked up on it very quickly, but the fear still lingered.
It was a year or so after those events that my relationship with Billy’s dad broke down. So I found myself alone, worried and
I learnt some great strategies during that time. Strategies to cope with life and all those unplanned life changing things that get thrown in. I learnt how our thoughts can send us spiralling into a dark lonely place and how to push away the negative and focus only on positive thoughts. I wrote about some of these strategies in a previous post you can find here http://wp.me/p3Q0lb-47 responsible for everything. I started to feel low and eventually recognised I needed some help. I took myself to the doctors and he diagnosed depression. We talked about the treatment options and as I’m one of those worried people who will read every side effect of Panadol, I decided counseling was the best option.
Last weekend I had to revisit all those strategies again. When I heard the news, I felt the fear creeping in. I am living with what each of these beautiful souls eventually succumbed to, every day. This is why it is important to remind myself I am human, and I will have my moments.
However….. those moments may happen and in order to be happy it is best to fear them when they actually do happen!