What happened to my bliss? My plan was like everyone else’s. I followed the same path. Then I had a child with special needs. My plans were destroyed. I had to let go of what I dreamt of. I had to let go of the future I had instilled in me since childhood and I had to believe I could be happy in a future completely foreign to me.
Not to mention, children are one part of your life. We all have other dreams and goals. So what happens when you get hit in the head with another lemon? After meeting Billy for the first time, after crying what I thought was all the tears I had, I remember clearly saying to myself, “it’s going to be ok, life is still going to be perfect”.
I lived believing everything was “normal” for a long time. I was on auto-pilot, waking up each day and living like many other people, except I had a special needs child. Trouble is, eventually I needed to take control of where I was headed. It happened to coincide with Billy starting “big school”. Before that I was protected by my “normal circle” of family and friends. Then I started to feel very alone in my foreign world. The stress and pressure of having a child with special needs can put a lot of strain on a marriage. Feeling alone on top of all that was the icing on the cake and unfortunately my relationship broke down. There goes another dream.
I was totally devastated by the way my life had turned out. Everything I ever dreamt and wanted had been taken away from me. I felt scared, emotionally drained and mostly ripped off. I had nothing but a bleak picture of my future and I felt like giving up.
They say you need to see darkness before you can see the stars. Well, how true. I was at the bottom and the only way was up. So, as I went through the grieving process for the life I had planned, I decided to reflect and reconnect with the new me. What did I want? What was I capable of? What was I hoping to achieve in life? Like most people, I want happiness. I want to guide my children with good morals and beliefs. I want to empower them to become caring, strong people who will always survive and inspire. I knew I would only be able to achieve this if I believed it and practised it.
So it was time for me to take a good hard look at myself. I needed to reconnect with me, as confronting as that may be. I started with a simple plan which was simply being “in the moment”, well every moment. Some of the things I became aware of were:
- My reaction (thoughts) to good/bad stories
- My defence. Living in the moment untapped a hidden pattern, poor me, the world owe’s me.
- My thoughts. It seemed although I was busy I had way too much time on my hands to think negative stuff!
- My drive to try. Looking back I hardly remember me as a person who would rather do nothing than try, due to my fears.
I kept track of all this by using a simple journal app. You can do it however you like however I recommend it’s always accessible as you may find yourself becoming so aware you are jotting things down every 15 minutes or so (I did).
This exercise was the foundation I needed to get back on track. I knew how I wanted to live my life and my ultimate goal was to be happy. This helped me understand that my happiness wasn’t dependant on, having what I wanted but rather what I did with what I have. It is important for all of us to understand who we are, what we want and what we could be doing to get where we need to be. That means the buck stops with each of us first. After that we can start to plan and practise. Even if nothing changes for a while, you will feel happier!
Have you ever felt like giving up? Let me know by leaving a comment.